That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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