If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
