The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
