i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I will die if light touches me.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
