what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
