He disabled his match.com account in front of me
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
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IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window