I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
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Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
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I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.