She announced her abortion via fbk
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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