went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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