There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
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