I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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