She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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