Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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