I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
