You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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