why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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