whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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