The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
