My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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