If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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