Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
