Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
