We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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