You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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