morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
