did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
