Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
