Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
