I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
