So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
