I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
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We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
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I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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