Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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