What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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