i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
