Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
