Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize