Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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