but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
