I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
