is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
