The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
