It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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