i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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