Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
we're so committed to being not committed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
i think we sleep fucked last night...
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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