I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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