New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
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I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
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You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
my poor anus
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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