This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I woke up under a house in Key West
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