I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
