Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
