wanna go halves on a baby?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
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He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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