Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
