I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Randomize
