i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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