I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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