I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
