I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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